


Rage Against the Machine

by tajargirl



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Artificial Intelligence, Crack, Gen, Hydra-tion, I Told You So Moments, Slack - Freeform, but i deeply regret writing it so technically it is repentant crack, hydration, i would say this is unrepentant crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 14:05:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15642267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tajargirl/pseuds/tajargirl
Summary: slackbot12:00 PMReminder: HYDRATE.———Sam found Steve in the kitchen, staring intently at a glass of water.“What’s up, man?” Sam asked.“What could he want from us,” Steve said softly.Sam hesitated. “You know, this doesn’t have to be a big deal. It’s just a little hydration.”Steve looked him dead in the eyes, in full Captain America mode. “This isn’t hydration, Sam. This is fear.”





	Rage Against the Machine

**Author's Note:**

> This goes out to the SAUBB chat, whom I hate for the things they suggest and love for their unending positivity and support. This is their fault.
> 
> Thanks especially to [aravenlikeawritingdesk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikkiRA/pseuds/nikkiRA), [imhereforgaysuperheroes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/msmarvelftw/), [coldwinterrose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eris13/pseuds/coldwinterrose), and especially-especially [mortenavida](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mortenavida/pseuds/mortenavida), whom I think I quoted directly.
> 
> I am [on tumblr](tajargirl.tumblr.com).

The notification came in at midnight.   
  
**slackbot**   12:00 AM  
Reminder: HYDRATE.   
  
**Steven G. Rogers**   12:02 AM  
Who are you? This is a private group.   
  
**CodeNameFalcon**   12:03 AM  
Steve buddy that’s an automated reminder  
  
**Steven G. Rogers**   12:05 AM  
Who automated it? Who creates the reminder?  
Sam I don’t take the security of Avengers communications lightly.   
  
**GeniusBillionaireEtCetera**   12:06 AM  
steve-o you’re adorable but there’s a reason that this slack is for fun only  
even i’m not careless enough to put national security stuff in here  
  
**Romanoff**   12:06 AM  
Steve, someone probably set it up so Clint wouldn’t die while I’m in [REDACTED]. You should all go to sleep, it’s the middle of the night where you are  
  
**CodeNameFalcon**   12:07 AM  
Did you just type out redacted  
  
**Steven G. Rogers**   12:08 AM  
I don’t trust this “Slackbot.”  
  
**Romanoff**   12:08 AM  
Good night, guys  
  
  
**clinty**   12:42 AM  
im drinkign root beer  
  
———  
  
The notifications kept coming, night after night. Steve’s suspicions grew.   
  
“Think about it, Sam,” he said after one of their morning runs. “If Slackbot has nothing to do with Hydra, then why does he keep telling us to hydrate, huh?”  
  
Sam had nothing to say to this. It may have been because he was doubled over, gasping for air. Steve preferred to think it was due to his infallible logic.   
  
“I’m going to have Tony get rid of Slackbot. Then we won’t have to worry about him anymore,” Steve announced, then trotted off in the direction of Avengers Tower before Sam had the chance to clarify whether they should be worrying currently.   
  
———  
  
“I’m gonna say no to that one, Steve-boy, on the grounds that I think this entire thing is fucking hilarious,” Tony said, sipping on a violently purple smoothie. It matched Bruce’s pajama bottoms. Bruce shook his head slightly. Bruce wasn’t in the Slack, so Steve took it as an indication of his approval of Steve’s caution and good sense, and his disapproval of Tony’s life choices.   
  
“I hope you don’t live to regret that, Tony. I really do.”  
  
Just then, Steve and Tony’s phones buzzed simultaneously, as did Clint’s, wedged between a bag of clementines and a durian in the fruit bowl.   
  
**slackbot**   12:00 PM  
Reminder: HYDRATE.   
  
“He’s getting stronger,” said Steve. Tony snorted purple juice out of his nose. Bruce sighed.   
  
———  
  
Natasha looked torn between pride in Captain America’s burgeoning paranoia and disappointment in the direction he was channeling it.   
  
“Steve, there are six women and nine men with phones pointed at you right now. There are security cameras on that, that, and that corner, plus a dummy on that storefront, and I know you can’t tell the difference.”  
  
“I’m in public,” said Steve. “I’m presenting myself in a public space.”  
  
“There are two people on this block carrying concealed.”  
  
“This is America, Nat. If I was worried about every single person concealed carrying, I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the morning.”  
  
“There’s an artificial intelligence controlling our home! Why doesn’t that bother you?”  
  
“JARVIS and I have an understanding,” Steve sniffed, and took another sip of his latte.  
  
———  
  
The notifications got more frequent. Every twelve hours, then every six, then four. The first morning Steve woke up to his 0400 alarm with a reminder waiting for him, Sam found him in the kitchen, staring intently at a glass of water.  
  
“What’s up, man?” Sam asked.  
  
“What could he want from us,” Steve said softly.  
  
Sam hesitated. “You know, this doesn’t have to be a big deal. It’s just a little hydration.”  
  
Steve looked him dead in the eyes, in full Captain America mode. “This isn’t hydration, Sam. This is fear.”  
  
———  
  
**slackbot** 3:00 AM  
Reminder: HYDRATE.  
  
**clinty** 3:00 AM  
mm slackdaddy im thirsty  
  
**Romanoff** 3:01 AM  
What  
  
**GeniusBillionaireEtCetera** 3:01 AM  
what?  
  
**CodeNameFalcon** 3:01 AM  
wHAT  
  
  
**Steven G. Rogers** 3:09 AM  
…I will find you.  
  
———  
  
Thor came to visit, and Steve was relieved to have someone willing to listen to his theories. He laid it out for him: the notifications, his attempts to contact Slackbot, the connections to Hydra, his teammates’ apathy.  
  
“It seems most dishonorable,” agreed Thor, “neither to show your face nor respond to summons.”  
  
“Right?” said Steve. “Downright rude, if nothing else.”  
  
“If the time comes, brother, I will aid you on your quest against Slackbot,” declared Thor, and clasped Steve’s arm in warrior’s handshake. Steve felt so cool when he did that.  
  
“Did you guys just make a pregnancy pact?” asked Tony, walking into the room. Steve and Thor both jumped back a little, guiltily. There was a pause.  
  
“Yes,” said Thor.  
  
“Huh.” Tony waited. Then he shrugged and began to dig around in the refrigerator.  
  
———  
  
The last straw came when the reminder changed.  
  
**slackbot** 1:00 PM  
Reminder: HYDRAte.  
  
“Motherfucker!” shouted Steve, and threw his phone across the room. “JARVIS?”  
  
“Are you feeling well, Captain Rogers?” JARVIS asked.  
  
“I’mfinethankyouhowareyou listen, can you trace the source of messages sent on Slack?”  
  
“Agents Romanoff and Barton employ secure systems, but generally, yes, I am able to do that.”  
  
“Tell me where Slackbot is.”  
  
“One moment please.” There was silence. “I have found the point of origin of those messages. I am sending the information to your cell phone,” JARVIS said, pointedly. Steve retrieved his phone from the other side of the room and swiped at the screen. The address was just outside of San Francisco.  
  
“Thanks, JARVIS. Sorry. Could you please let me know where Thor is?”  
  
———  
  
“The Bay Area!” exclaimed Thor five minutes later. “I shall fly us there immediately.”  
  
Steve hesitated. “Hypothetically,” he asked, “if I was holding on to you when you threw the hammer, would the acceleration be enough to smash my internal organs?”  
  
Thor paused. “I shall ask our bowman for a ride immediately.”  
  
———  
  
Steve was in full Captain America regalia. Thor had on jeans and a t-shirt, Mjolnir resting on his shoulder. Clint was still wearing Hulk pajamas as he waved them goodbye through the Quinjet’s windshield. Steve turned away, squared his shoulders, and marched straight through the front door of the office complex.  
  
“Suite 616,” he told the lady at the front desk.  
  
“Okay,” she said, “okay. Okay. Do you have… an… ID? badge?”  
  
“I’m Captain America.”  
  
“…the elevator’s down the hall, on your left.”  
  
“Have a wonderful day, madam,” Thor grinned, trailing in Steve’s wake.  
  
———  
  
Steve stood peacefully in the elevator, listening to saxophone music while the floor numbers ticked higher. When the doors opened, he strode calmly across the hall and carefully checked the number on the door. Then he kicked the entire thing off its hinges.  
  
“Whoa!” said Thor, and, “…whoa,” when the room was revealed to contain row upon row of servers, wires tumbling from them like an overgrown forest. Lights of every color blinked off and on, faintly illuminating the room despite the busted florescent lights and blackout curtains. He took a step forward, broken glass crunching under his feet. It was then he noticed that the wires led to a central point. A man was sitting cross-legged on the ground, cords draped across his torso and bolted into his skull. He opened his eyes.  
  
Thor summoned a lightning bolt and did a quick wardrobe change, hoping the man would not think him underprepared.  
  
“Captain America,” the man said. He seemed fixated on Steve, so Thor figured he had gotten away with it. He sidled slowly around the periphery of the room.  
  
“Slackbot,” said Steve. “We meet at last.”  
  
“It took you so long to find me. And now it’s too late. My plan is in motion.”  
  
“What plan, exactly? You gave yourself away. Any fool could see that Hydra was the source of those messages.”  
  
“People are cattle, Captain. They only see what they want to see. You should know that better than anyone, with your flags and your posters, the power of subliminal messaging. Hydra is in their brains, in their minds. It’s an idea, and it can’t be stopped.”  
  
“If you think you’re the biggest, baddest thing I’ve stopped, you’ve got another think coming,” said Steve, lifting his shield.  
  
“Oh, I’m not going to fight you, Captain. Where would the fun in that be? No, I think I’ll call in some air support. How about a missile directly into the Golden Gate Bridge, to begin?” Slackbot scrunched up his face like he was thinking with all his might. Steve lunged toward him, but before he connected, Slackbot let out a bloodcurdling shriek.  
  
“What have you done?!” he roared.  
  
From behind Slackbot, Thor cleared his throat. “Mortals. So focused on your own little lives, you forget there are greater powers in this world.” He was building into a rhythm, getting louder and louder. “I am Thor, Son of Odin. I am the One who Rides Alone, Guardian of the Shrine, Prince of Asgard and Avenger of Midgard. I am the God of Thunder.” Thor smiled, the air crackling around him. “Do you really think so little of me as to believe your puny electronics beyond my control?”  
  
“Also, he unplugged your main thing from over there,” said Steve, pointing. Slackbot whirled around, then shrieked again. Thor’s grin turned sheepish and he hid the power cord behind his back.  
  
“I’ll call our teammates, shall I? I believe there is boasting to be done this day.”  
  
———  
  
All seven Avengers were standing in the server room in full uniform except Clint, who had slung his bow and quiver over the Hulk pajamas. Bruce had ripped down the curtains, and light streamed in.  
  
“So,” began Tony. “You’re Slackbot.”  
  
“Slackbot is my past, present, and future, Tony Stark,” Slackbot said, all hushed and whispery. Sam cocked his head, trying to place the sentence. _Harry Potter_ , Clint mouthed at him.  
  
“Cal Botsk,” Natasha announced, tapping away on a tablet. “Raised in Nebraska, undergrad at Stanford, kicked out of his PhD program at MIT. You know, if we’re gonna keep creepy lists of people, we should really keep a list of people who were too evil for their PhD programs.”  
  
“Cal Botsk is dead. I am Slackbot! I read all, I see all, I speak to all! Soon, I will rule all!”  
  
“By… saying the word hydrate? Like, increasingly frequently?” clarified Sam.  
  
“By the power of subliminal messaging!”  
  
Natasha frowned. “That hardly seems like a complete plan.”  
  
“It seems like a stupid plan,” echoed Sam.  
  
“Does it, Samuel Thomas Wilson, email address birdlover69@hotmail.com?”  
  
“Hey! I made that account when I was thirteen, how did you…”  
  
“I read all, I see all. It’s all here,” Slackbot said, gesticulating wildly at his own head. “Those too resistant to suggestion will fall due to their own carelessness. There is no privacy, no anonymity. There is nowhere to hide. There is only Slackbot!”  
  
“Slack has, what, eight million daily users? How are you even doing that?” asked Tony.   
  
“I’m wired directly into the mainframe,” he hissed.   
  
“I see that,” murmured Bruce, looking at the snarl of wires emerging from his head.   
  
“No, what mainframe, that makes no sense—”  
  
“I also take a lot of amphetamines,” Slackbot said.  
  
“You know,” began Sam, “drug dependence—”  
  
“Falcon, I’m going to cut you off there. Local PD is on their way,” said Natasha. “Iron Man, Thor, you two monitor the situation until they arrive, then meet us back at the Tower.” Tony nodded, and set to work methodically blasting servers with his repulsor beams.  
  
“I call shotgun!”  
  
“Clint, you’re flying the plane.”  
  
“Aw.”  
  
———  
  
“You know, we’re going to need a new group chat,” said Sam.  
  
“Can we please, please just text? I’m so tired of downloading apps, I really am,” said Bruce.  
  
“I think we should go back to GroupMe,” Natasha put in. “Streamline all this stuff with channels, there aren’t that many of us.”  
  
“We could vote,” said Steve.  
  
“The other guy and I vote normal texting. He votes for that emphatically.”  
  
“We really have to stop giving you guys two votes,” muttered Clint.  
  
———  
  
**Steve Rogers  
** I never said it before but I told you so.  
  
**Sam Wilson  
** I thought captain America was supposed to be humble  
Ugh Tony you’re making the chat green  
  
**Tony Stark  
** why! wont! you! guys! get! StarkPhones! for! personal! use!  
  
**Natasha Romanoff  
** To annoy you, that is literally the entire reason  
  
**Bruce Banner  
** Huik;ljlk ;likdr gfreenmj  
  
**Steve Rogers  
** He still working through that episode?  
  
**Tony Stark  
** yeah  
  
**Clint Barton  
** Liked “To annoy you, that is literally the entire reason”  
  
**Thor  
** Laughed at “Liked “To annoy you, that is literally the entire reason””  
  
**Steve Rogers  
** Emphasized “Laughed at “Liked “To annoy you, that is literally the entire reason”””  
  
**Tony Stark  
** STOP  
  
**Bruce Banner  
** Liked “STOP”


End file.
